Three's Company -- Another Episode
by GothBeat66
Summary: Jack's cousin from New Mexico pays a visit. To Jack, she's a kid, but to Larry, she's all woman. Watch Larry screw everything up. Please R


The phone rang in Apartment 201. "I'll get it!" a man's vioce said from the kitchen. He ran to the next room and answered the phone. "Hello?" A girl's voice answered. "Jack? Jack, is that you?"  
"Who's calling?" Jack replied.  
"It's me, Loretta! You know, you cousin?"  
"Oh my God, hi, Lori. How've you been?"  
"Oh, alright, Jack. Disney downsized and had to let me go."  
"Oh, that's too bad... where are you calling from?"  
"Actually, I'm calling from a pub, the umm..Reagle Beagle, I think."  
"Really? That's right around the corner from here."  
"I know. You told me what building you live in and everything, but I just wanted to make sure you were home."  
"Well, I am."  
"Okay, see you in a few. Bye bye."  
"Alrighty, bye bye."  
A a short brunette walked into the room. "Who was that, Jack?" she asked.  
"Oh, Janet, that was my cousin, Loretta. You remember, the genius?" replied Jack.  
"Oh, yeah, you mentioned her once, I think." said Janet.  
"Heh, heh.." chortled Jack.  
"Hey, Chrissy, come here!" Janet called into her bedroom. A tall, dumb-looking, blonde walked into the room.  
"What is it, Janet?" she asked.  
"Guess who's coming to visit!" Janet said, grinning.  
"Peter Frampton?" she guessed.  
"No, silly, Jack's genius cousin." Janet replied.  
"Oh." said Chrissy, disappionted. "I thought he would be some one exciting."  
"First of all, Chrissy," Jack cut in, "My cousin's a girl, and second, she is very exciting." Chrissy just went into the bathroom and began brushing her teeth.  
A few minutes later, the doorball rang. Jack answered it. A tall girl with golden brown hair wearing a blue dress stood there.  
"Loretta!"  
"Jack!" The two hugged. "Oh, Jack, it's so good to see you again."  
"Hey, Janet, Chrissy! There's someone I want you two meet!" Jack yelled into the girls' bedroom. Janet and Chrissy flounced out of their bedroom.   
"Hola." said Loretta.  
"Hi." said Chrissy.  
"How do you do?" said Janet.  
"Oh, just fine." replied Loretta. "Let me guess. You," she pointed to Janet, "Must be Janet."  
"Right."  
"And you," Loretta indicated Chrissy, "must be Chrissy."  
"I must be," said Chrissy, "otherwise I'm carrying someone else's purse!" She snorted. The other three faintly chuckled. All of them sat down. Jack and Loretta on the sofa, and Janet and Chrissy on two surrounding chairs.  
"So, Loretta," began Janet.  
"Oh, call me Lori. Everyone does." Loretta cut in.  
"Okay, so, Lori, Jack has been braging about you since you called. He says that you're a genius."  
"Well, I don't mean to brag, but that what everyone seems to think."  
"Why?" asked Janet.  
"Well, you see, I finished Grad School at the age of sixteen."  
"You're kidding." said Janet.  
"No, she's not." said Jack.  
"How old are you now," asked Janet.  
"Truthfully, I'm eightteen." replied Loretta.  
"Really? You don't look it."  
"I know."  
"Well, Lori, what've you been doing for the past year?" asked Janet.  
"Well, I was employed by Walt Disney World and worked for them as an 'Imagineer' in Orlando, Florida, but they recently downsized, and now I'm out of the job."  
"Oh, that's, too bad." said Chrissy.  
"Oh, not really. I came here in order to find a new job. My friend, Suzy lives here, and she has applied just about everywhere for a new job. There's some computer company here that I was going to send my resume to."  
"Oh."  
"Really? That's wonderful!" exclaimed Jack.  
Several hours later, after everyone had returned from work, and in Jack's case, school, the four were sitting in the living room chatting. "Oh, gee, I have to get going. I'm supposed to meet Bill at the Beagle in a few minutes." said Janet.  
"Oh, yeah, and I have a date with Elmo. He'll be here any second." added Chrissy.  
"Oh, alright. Bye." said Loretta.  
After both Janet and Chrissy had left, there was a knock at the door. Jack answered it.  
"Hi, Blender, I mean, Blenda, Brender, Brenda!" Jack cried.  
"Hi, Jack."  
"What're you doing here?"  
"Don't you remember, Jack? We had a date tonight." replied Brenda.  
"Oh my gosh, I completely forgot."  
Loretta bounced out of Janet and Chrissy's bedroom wearing khaki hot pants and a low-cut orange midrif shirt.  
"Who is that?" asked Brenda, a bit offended that Jack had another girl over before her. Loretta held out her hand for Brenda to shake. "Loretta Tripper. You must be Brenda. Jack can't stop talking about you."  
"Jack! You're married?" exclaimed Brenda. Loretta laughed. "No, I'm his cousin. From Orlando."  
"Oh. Sorry.."  
*I can't have her around while I'm on my date with Brenda....* thought Jack. Then, he had an idea. He picked up the telephone and dialed Larry's phone number. "Hi, Larry? You wouldn't happen to be busy tonight, would you?"  
"No, I gave myself the night off."  
"Take the night off some other time. I've got a gorgeous girl down here that I need you to take out."  
"Well, in that case, bring 'er up!"  
Jack laughs. "Excuse us for a moment, Brenda." He turns to Loretta. "Lori, I want you to meet my friend that lives upstairs."  
After Jack and Loretta stepped out of the room, Loretta said to Jack, "No you don't. You want to be alone with Senorita Blender."  
"Well, yes, but I also want you to meet Larry."  
A moment later, the two were in front of Apartment 304. Loretta stood behind Jack as he knocked on the door.  
"Well, where is she?" Larry asked when he opened the door. Jack stepped aside to reveal Loretta. "Well, heeell-o!" he said after getting an eyeful of Loretta. She gave Larry a once-over.  
"Same to you. I'm Loretta, Jack's cousin."  
"Larry Dallas, Jack's best friend." Loretta giggled.  
"Well," said Jack, "I see you two are getting along just fine. Behave yourself, Larry!" He shut the door and returned to Brenda.  
"So, Loretta-"  
"Lori." she corrected.  
"Okay, Lori. How are you?" he asked, pathetically trying to make conversation.  
"Oh, estoy muy bien." Lori answred. Larry looked at her confusedly. "Huh?" he said.  
"Oh, los sientos. I did it again. See, sometimes I say stuff in Spanish rather than in English because Spanish has been my second laguage ever since I was six."  
"Oh. But anyway, what exactly did you say?"  
"I said 'I am very well.'"  
"Oh, okay."  
"Y tu? I mean, and you?"   
"Wonderful, now that you're here."   
Loretta giggled. "So, Larry," she said, "what do you do?"  
*Can I lie to this girl? Obviously no, because she's related to Jack, and if I do and she mentions something to Jack or Chrissy or Janet, they'll unmask me. Oh well.. I still have Greedy Gretchen if this one doesn't like me...* Larry thought. "I'm a...used car salesman."  
"Oh. Then you probably don't want to hear my whole job thing.."  
"Oh, no, I'd love to."  
"Okay, well, I used to work for walt Disney World in Orlando, but the company recently downsized, and they had to let me go. My official job title was an 'Imagineer' better known as an engineer."  
"Oh.. What, um, brings you to Santa Monica?"  
"Mostly the fact that I have relations here."  
"Oh. Um..so...how would you like to go to a nice French restaurant?"  
"Oh, tonight? I'm afraid I wouldn't be dressed appropriately.."  
"I'm sure Jacko'll let you stop by his aparment and change."  
"Oh, alright.."  
Loretta knocks on the door of Aparment 201.  
"Coming!" cries Jack from inside.  
Twenty minutes later, Loretta and Larry were sitting at a table inside Lucien's, a very 'chic' restaurant in the Santa Monica area. Loretta looked around in amazement. *When he said nice, he REALLY meant NICE...* she thought.  
"Garson," she beckoned for the waiter, "A bottle of your best champaigne."  
"Oui, madame." he replied. Loretta looked up from behind her menu.  
"What do you suggest, Larry?" Larry shugged and replied, "I dunno, I've never been here before."  
"Oh. Then I think I'll get a dinner salad and Duck la Orange."  
"The duck ala what?"  
"Duck la Orange. That is, duck in orange sauce." replied Loretta.  
"Oh. I guess I'll have that. At least I know what's in it..." Loretta rolled her eyes.  
SEVERAL HOURS PASS...  
The time was 1AM. Loretta and Larry were just returning from their date. They were standing in front of Jack's apartment.   
"Well, goodnight, Lori."  
"Buenos Noches. Uh, goodnight, that is."  
Loretta leaned into an almost-passionate kiss with Larry. She broke it quickly, blushed, and ran into Jack's apartment.  
"Lori!" cried Jack, "Where have you been?"  
"Oh, Jack, I had the most fabuloso noche of my life! We went to Lucien's, and then we went dancing!"  
Jack looked relieved. "No stops at Larry's apartment?"  
"Not, not at all. Why?"  
"Oh, nothing."  
"Well,I think I'll go to bed now." Loretta slowly opened the door to Janet and Chrissy's bedroom. She changed into her pajamas, and got the extra pillow and blanket from Jack's closet.  
"Y'sure you don't wanna sleep in my bedroom instead?" asked Jack.  
"Yes, I'm sure. I wouldn't dream of putting you out."  
"Well, you wouldn't be."  
"But still.." Loretta immedeately fell asleep.  
"Good night." Jack whispered and went back into his bedroom.  
The next morning, Jack had not yet awoken. Loretta was in the kitchen, making everybody Spanish Omelettes. "Buenos Dias, Janet." Loretta said as Janet flounched in. "Morning, Lori. How was your date with Larry last night?"  
"Oh, it was wonderful. He is so sweet.."  
"Are we talking about the same Lawrence Dallas? 'Cause the one I know is a sleezy used car salesman whose only intrest in a girl is whether or not she'll say 'Yes.'" Janet rolled her eyes.  
"I think so."  
"And he didn't try anything with you?"  
"No. Why, should he have?"  
"No," Janet laughed, "Never mind.."  
"And I have another date with him tonight. But this time I get to cook! I'm making him Steak Empanditas, Enchiladas, and Sugar Cookies. I got them from my Spanish Cook Book."  
"That sounds really good. Hey, that reminds me, what's for breakfast?"  
"Spanish Omelettes."  
"Oh, yum.." Janet said, licking her lips. Loretta laughed.  
"Hey, wait a minute," continued Janet, "Jack said that Larry had a date with Greedy Gretchen tonight."  
"Hehehe, Who?"  
"Greedy Gretchen, 'the girl who can't say no.' At least, that what Larry says...." Janet laughed.  
"Oh."  
LATER THAT DAY...  
Loretta came out of Larry's kitchen with a basket ot torilla chips and salsa.  
"Just a little appetizer."  
  
"Hi, Janet."  
"Hi Jack." Jack sat down on the couch next to Janet. He shoved his hand in the bag of potato chips that Janet was eating and pulled out a handful.  
"Where's Lori?"  
"She's up in Larry's apartment."  
"Doing what?"  
"Cooking."  
"WHAT?!" cried Jack.  
"Wait!" Jack ignored Janet and dashed out the door and upstairs. Jack slammed open Larry's door. Loretta and Larry were, ahem, making out on Larry's sofa. Loretta jumped three feet off the couch when Jack barged in the room.  
"You're really low, Larry! This time you've gone too far!"  
"What did I do?"  
"You're taking advantage of a eightteen year old girl!"  
"She's eightteen?"  
"Oh, don't act like you didn't know!"  
"I didn't, honest!"  
"Oh, sure, Larry!"  
"JACK!" interrupted Loretta.  
"What?"  
"He's telling the truth. I didn't tell him how old I was. I just let him assume I was 23 or 24. I figured if I told him how old I really was, he'd treat me like a little kid.."  
"Lori, you told me that you worked for Walt Disney."  
"I did. You see--"  
"Lori is basically a genius, and she graduated from college last year. She got a job at Disney as and Engineer, and the let her go last month." finished Jack.  
"Oh, okay..But why didn't you tell me that you're only eightteen!"  
"Like I said! I knew that you'd treat me like a little kid because I'm so much younger than you! Yet people seem to have no problem with a twenty year old dating a forty year old. I don't understand you men!" Loretta started crying, then a buzzer went off in the kitchen. "My empanditas! Damn!" She dashed into the kitchen and took a cookie sheet full of meat filled pastries out of the oven. She set them on the counter and returned to the living room. Jack put his arm around his cousin and said, "C'mon, Lori, let's go to the Beagle for a sandwich instead." Loretta grew more angry. She pushed Jack's arm off her. "You see?! That's what I mean! Everyone treats me like a kid! That is, except for Janet, but that's a different story. I'm sick and tired of being treated like I just got out of grade school! And I thought you two, of all people, would understand..I guess, I guess I was wrong. Especially about you, Larry." Loretta stomped out of the room. Larry's telephone rang. "Hello? Oh, sorry, Mr. Roper, yeah, I'll keep it down. Bye."  
"Look, Lar, I'm sorry I barged in on you.."  
"That's okay, buddy, I guess, I guess I was bound to find out sooner or later.."  
"Yeah.. I better go catch up with her. You better eat those empanditas before they get cold! See ya, Lar."  
"Later, Jacko."  
Jack left Larry's apartment and chased after Loretta.  
"Jack," Mrs. Roper called on her way up to 301, "Where're you goin' in such a hurry?"  
"I have to catch up with Lori."  
"Girlfriend?"  
"Younger cousin. I barged in on her and Larry kissing."  
"Wha? Oh, tell me everything! I like to know that something's going on somewhere..."  
"Can't, Mrs. Roper, gotta catch up with Lori." Jack sped down the hall, almost fell down the stairs, and finally arrived at his apartment. He silently opened the door and found Lori sitting on the sofa with Janet, sobbing.  
"Maybe it wasn't Jack's fault. I know Larry, and I don't particualarly like him. The sleezeball's usually only in a relationship for one reason..."  
"Oh, Janet! I thought that I was treated like a little kid by Jack because I'm his cousin, and to him, I've always been 'Little Lori.' I figured it'd be different with Larry. But it wasn't. As soon as he found out how old I was, out I go. I hate men!"  
"I know how you feel."  
"And you're the only one who understands. Jack just enforces Larry's point of view."  
"Yeah, Jack can be a real fink sometimes."  
"I know what you mean. I know this is gonna sound dumb, but I think that I'm not just a genius because I'm smarter than all the eightteen year olds I know, but because I'm more mature, in body and intellectual capability."  
"Y'know, I think you're right" agreed Janet. Jack decided that now would be the perfect time to make himself known.  
"Listen, Lori." Jack began, "I'm really sorry, but I know Larry. And I was just trying to protect you. Larry wasn't really interested in you, he was interested in his having a good time. If y'know what I mean." Lori looked confused, but then began to understand what her cousin was trying to tell her.  
"That Son of a Bitch!" Lori exclaimed. Janet laughed, and Jack grinned.  
  
"Bye, Jack." Loretta whispered, standing in front of Jack's bedroom door. She placed a note on the coffee table. It read:  
'Jack and Janet- (Oh, and Chrissy, too.)  
My friend found me a nice little apartment in LA. And an equally nice paying job at Disney Land. Go figure. Couldn't leave without saying goodbye, but I didn't want to wake you. Must run, now. Oh, and Janet, do me a favor: Kick Larry's skinny ass! I would myself, but I don't have time.  
-Loretta'  
  
"Well, what d'ya know?" Jack said, reading the note, "She got a job after all. And she's over Larry." Janet plucked the note out of Jack's hand, "'Oh, and Janet," she read, "Kick Larry's scrawny ass! I would myself, but I don't have time.'" Jack and Janet laughed. "She's over him alright!" the girl chortled. 


End file.
